This is me. I have nothing bad from my parents, household, or childhood that caused it. I did hate school and in high school I basically failed my way to graduation. But I was a skateboarder and had a lot of friends within that group so that aspect of it wasn't so bad.
In high school I knew I didn't want to go to college because of how much I hated school and "learning" about things that don't matter to me. After high school, I worked with my dad roofing and insulating, like 70 hours a week sometimes. I hated that too because it made me a lot of money that I couldn't use because my weeks were wake up by 4am, work, get home as late as 10pm, and repeat.
I had been with
@Paige since 17/18 years old and worked with my dad but eventually quit at around 19/20. Paige was the only thing that motivated me to care about anything so at 21 I decided to join the military because I didn't know what else to do to make sure I could have a good life with her. I didn't know anything about the military at the time but when I found out the Marine Corps was considered the hardest and shittiest branch to be part of, I picked that one to basically say "fuck you" to my younger self.
The Marine Corps ended up clicking for me and I was moving up faster than my peers. But a back injury that went from "I'm a Marine, not a little bitch - ignore the pain" to "congrats, you have chronic pain for life", ended up in my medical separation/retirement after 6 years. I was really liking the Corps and the times me and Paige were having thanks to its benefits, so I planned on doing the full 20 years.
Once the back thing started to become a real problem to the point that getting out was a possibility, I started to get real dark. I was someone who had already been in real dark places plenty of times and used the Marine Corps to get out of that, which it did. So to see my career slowly end because of an injury, I really lost my bearing. To the point where I swallowed 1.5 bottles of my meds, causing me to spend 4 days in the hospital hallucinating, having a seizure in front of Paige, and basically giving her PTSD for life. (I'm bringing that up casually because I already talked about it on T3G once.)
So now here I am. Out of the Corps, still reliant on meds (different ones now), very much reliant on Paige, and not sure where I'm going next. We're 30 and living out of our camper/doing extended stays at her parents' house. We used to have a beautiful place in California that I "lost" by an injury and bad decisions.
All of that because of nothing particularly terrible. Just a skater punk rebel in high school that had no interest in doing life the "normal" way.
I hear that. Maybe there won't be a solution but you'll be able to accept that fact. Once you accept it, you can tell yourself that you simply aren't depressed anymore because it doesn't exist beyond you deciding it does (since nothing caused it). Not saying that will happen but I've read people using that mindset on Reddit.
I'm only 30. I really hope I can get through life. It's fun when it's fun but it's not my faaaavorite hobby to be honest.