me too man
The whole try to be positive, just go with it, let things go. I've tried. I just can't.
I can always instantly justify the scenario with actual statistics and life experiences.
It turns into numbers. Percentages. It's not like I think of it negatively. It's just when whatever happens/doesn't happen, BAM. The instance always just validates and makes those actual percentages true.
I try to think about how other people handle things, how some people can find it in faith and things get better. I acknowledge there is some sort of higher power. But realistically it's a chance thing. Someone at their low point decided to give faith a try, then by chance something good happened to create a belief foundation for that person.
Even just trying to be a better person. Something so simple as I'm not going to be a dick today. Be supportive and spread positivity. An old guy posted a clip of himself at the range. He was a tubby dude then did the left and right sweep after. Cool. Then a bunch of randoms just went in on him. Easy to distinguish who's being a dick and who's light heartedly joking. Bunch of "almost vets" and tacticool douches ragged on the dude. He turned out to be a retire cop and is a firearms trainer. Was a department gunsmith. I know not all cops know guns or can shoot. But you can figure out who can shoot. So I said, "dude can probably outshoot all of us". Somehow that was an open invite for shit talk. I'm all for bashing on idiots doing stupid things. But just why? Just put me in some mood. Then I keep circling around to why?
But back to things that occur. Does that make me a negative person to be open about it. But then make it a data point when the unwanted action occurs?
I want to just sleep and not wake up. Thought about how I would end things if I did. Not at the point where I would actively do it myself. But know I'm fully capable which is what scares me. It's like hoping things get better, but know it probably won't. But think there could be a chance.
