This is rough. All I can think to say is that I’ve been feeling the same. Especially not eating or sleeping. Or, sometimes sleeping for two days straight. I have cool dreams that I’m able to remember, so sometimes I’d rather be asleep and in those dreams.
We are definitely not alone though. But idk what to do to change.
On my days off I find it difficult to leave bed and binge TV. I'm running out of shows and movies to watch. Entire seasons of out of my range things. If I am able to get out of bed I'm drawn into a PC game. The game is an addiction and it has a negative impact on my life. One of those never ending, always something, something new, goals, chase, progression. Even at work I'll try and plan or will read up on it.
Impulse purchases. Another addiction. I used to be fit. Broke the typical stereotype. But lost it all. I feel I lost all the mass. But could be the whole dysmorphia thing.
I have so many unfinished projects that don't get done which need to get finished. I keep putting it off. My house is a wreck. Everytime I try to start organizing I get distracted and stray, move one thing to another area where it belongs and end up picking up from there not finish the previous area. Even with the other ongoing projects, I keep taking on more. Looking for solutions to non-issues.
COVID times only made things worse. I was isolated to myself and work.
I'll admit a part of this is over a girl which added to this and it's my own fault to let it happen. I just told her we need to work on things and move forward or I need her to let me go. But all of this was there even before her.
Some ADHD, impulsiveness and obsession. Deep dive into the stupidest details of every little thing that is insignificant. Price shop and cheap ass for the best deal, so I don't stumble upon something with remorse and beat myself up over a couple dollars.
Just feel a constant weight and burden. Have a temper from built up fear and hurt. That it bottles up and I lose it. Hard to even talk to people because I can't put the words together and end up repeating myself in circles justifying my own feelings. I am self aware, but don't catch myself when I snap.
They always say to reach out and get help. I've gone through the steps for years. I can only keep repeating myself so many times. I've been through so many psychs, doctors, social workers and nothing. It's always what and how I dealt with it. They agree with my logical thought process and how most things are handled. When I say something is an issue, they don't agree. I know my spending habits are bad. I explained how excessive they were and how unreasonable my purchases were. That it was the only thing that I find interest in and how elaborately I make those decisions. That while it's being shipped, it's the only thing I can look forward to in my shit life. Once it arrives, I lost interest fast. Then just sits around and I'll maybe start messing with it, installing it. Like the head unit. I'm sure you guys have saw me say how the Chinese Android unit was so great, but it just bricked. Got the Sony unit. Sat on it for a couple weeks when it's just 4 bolts and 5 connectors. Did that and just never put the entire center console back in. No reason to even pull it out, but I did for whatever reason thinking I'd install something else while it was apart. But don't know if I want to spend more and go through the hassle of adding more stuff. Add in a couple more weeks and you can just see the bare metal and insulation in the center of the truck. The tools I used to swap the head units still on the passenger seat. But back to therapy and help, one hobby I like a little is my firearms. You guys know the whole mental health and firearms stigma. But with where I find myself in my head, if I say that to another person it would not be good. I work in a career with the highest suicide rate and having other odds against me. If I exposed my thoughts on what I find logical in a sound state of mind I could lose my job or even get committed for saying the wrong things. That I can't be truthful or fully open up to those people. I believe my thoughts are logical and can be justified. Not hurting another. It just feels like it's a trap and it's job security for the psych field.
